Back To Square One

Being back home is werid.
There isnt anyone starring at me while i sleep.
No-one telling me that i am inches away from wasting away
No more looking into the terrified faces of the people i love
No more lying lifeless for days
No more drips and needles
Just pure freedom.

I feel like i'm trusted again. because being in hospital for four weeks must have had an effect on me that would change me. But the truth is, it hasn't.
I dont like seeing my friends and family in pain, but i dont like my fat reflection even more.
I'm now a Uk size 8 when before i went into hospital i was a size 4. or zero for you Americans readers.
The size of perfection in my eyes. well almost. But my body's not on my side clearly, spoiling my happiness by making me pass out.

So i'm taking things slow. only exercising at night while my parents are asleep. its too early to frighten them yet. i'll be back in the hospital before i can say im fine.

My shrink is an absolute idiot. shes a like a 50 year old hippy who believes that i dont have "inner peace". she really annoys me. i only have to see her for three more weeks mind, (thank god) because im putting on a real good show if i say so myself. My father thinks its too soon but, i can tell my mother hates me going to see her as much as i do. She wants to believe there's nothing wrong with me and going to see a shrink is making her worst fears become reality.

Also i got to say, my ex-twat-of-a-boyfriend visited me in hospital. He told me that seeing me like this turned him sick and that if i had any sense i would get better. So being already over emotional and not to mention extremely pissed of because i wanted to go home, i told the fucker that i was sorry for causing him such inconvenience and that he had no right to visit me after everything. (i dont know if i said, but hes now got a very ugly girlfriend whos two years younger than him) so then he had the cheek to tell me he still had feelings for me and that i was hurting him. at this point i was out of my bed ready to drop kick him in the head, but the nearby nurse came and told him to leave. lucky for him i was up to chucking him out of the window. afterwards he did send a text saying he was sorry, but i just ignored it. no way am i wasting my life on him.

So now i'm searching for a job. in McDonald's. Haaa. I think it will help with the facade that i'm better. "oh thats great, she's bound to want to eat working there" when in reality the food will truthfully put me off food even more. But nobody's realised that yet. I hope they never do.
I am looking for other jobs in other places but to be honest, McDonald's is the only one which looks hopeful.

I deleted my weight diary, i never wrote in it. i tend to use notebook i got anyway.
i am 120 right now, the word does actually hurt. but i wont be like this for long.
hope all my readers are well, and if you've actually read this entire post i want to congratulate you. sorry for ranting haa.

Peace out my lovelies xxxxxx

Back From The Dead

Well hello there.

ain been on here for absolutely ages. very sorry. a LOT has happened.
well thats a bit of an understatement to be honest.

i've been in hospital for the last four weeks. only 3 days ago i got out.
i collapsed after my last GCSE exam and an ambulance was called. and to cut a long story short they discovered i werent right so they kept me in, and because of my history they put me on a special absolutely terrible diet.
it didnt really help because i was bringing it back up when i went to the toilet so they kept me in.
now im out, looking absolutely terrible and fat.
my mother's gone super strict but there's only so much she can do, as her job requires her to go to countries all over the world so, i cant have her on my back anymore.

i have to see a stupid shrink once a week too.
im going to have to put on one hell of an act to shake her off.

can't write much, about to go out. hope everyones well, feels so good to read all your blogs again :)
love you xxxx

Woohooo

Hello everyonee :)

im goood better than good actually.
i discovered that i HATE my ex an that i wasted my time with him!
hes gone around telling everyone bullshit about me an the relationship we had...which is pathetic.
its actually a good thing as it makes it easier to forget him. i dont wanna be crying about him all the time do i!

i went to a party last night. i really enjoyed myself got chatted up twice by 2 very fit guys which was a huge confidence boost that i really needed to be honest.

and im now actually texting someone...but i dont know if i wanna make anything of it yet. its too early to tell.

im sorry to write about my personal life on every post but it feels so good to get it outta my system.

anyway, food wise ive been doin ok i supposee...no serious binges for ages which is fabulous. my scales is playing up right now..so i ain sure of my weight. which is annoying. my exams start soon...havent done enough revision but thats life. this year sure does win the most hectic award for sure.

well ill leave it at that for today...hope my little anas are good :)
love you all xxxxxx

Starting to Feel Better

hiaa everyonee :)
im starting to feel better...my ex is slowly fading away from my thoughts and im beginning to think that he's not so important.
if he wants to leave me over something so petty as exams, hes not worth my time.
yes i still love him, yes i wouldnt say no if he asked me back but there's only so long im going to feel like this.
ive even been asked out on a date by a guy, but i dont feel that way for him...but i might go one day...just to piss my ex off an prove that other people find me attractive...unlike him!

anyway, i havent done so well today, my mother made me stay in and eat...as i havent eaten a proper meal for nearly two weeks. so i havent checked my weight...but i was 105 when i last checked.

my mother is getting really worried...im trying to asure her that im fine but shes not believing any of it. lucky for me she just thinks its because the break up and not anything like...an eating disorder.

i know i said something about a challenge thing but ive really been either too stressed/busy to organise anything like this so i apoligise. i will when i get the chance :)

i feel all bloated now and disgusting. food sure is the worst thing ever. it makes me feel soo friggin ill!

hope everyones good :)

xxxxxxxx

Down Again

hey people
had loads of support from you guys on my last post...thanks very much appreciated :)

id like to say that my mood has improved but id be lying lol
im still deeply upset, worried about my lack of revision and to add to these worries...i got my mother being all unreasonable because i fainted today.
i was quite chuffed because i like the feeling i get when i faint but my mother didnt share my feelings. if i faint again ill be going to the doctors. :/ not my favourite place in the world to be honest.

ill try and be more discreet if i lose consciousness again.

im totally down i cant believe i got school tomorrow i really dont wanna go. my life is shit nobody loves me an im going to fail my exams an end up workin in mcdonalds.

:(

goin to bed now folks hope you feel better than me

xxx

Down

hi guys sorry i ain been around been a bit preoccupied :/
me and my boyfriend of just over a year finished and im absolutely heartbroken
it couldnt have come at a better time really ive been off school for two weeks and havent done any revision for my exams as ive been too upset to concentrate. ive managed to do a little today and im not going back until tuesday, but thats hardly gonna make much difference.

i hope its a temporary thing because still love eachother. well he said he did. we were having a really silly arguement over some shit an then he said that we needed a break. and that maybe we could get back in a while. i was being a bitch to him to be honest but as soon as he said that, i realised that i was being horrible. i love him so much and i cant put into words how much i regret arguing with him. saying that, it might have happened anyway as he said it wasnt really to do with the arguement.

i saw him the other day too in a party. it was werid it felt like i was still with him but i wasnt talking to him. his friends say that hes been upset all week, which really annoys me as hes the one who wanted to end it.

ive been walking around like a zombie not eating anything and crying. not eating being a good side effect i suppose. if only i could swap all the food around me for him back. why is it im stuck with the thing i dont want?
ive been dreaming about him thats how much i think of him. he means everything to me i hope i can win him back. as he also ended it cuz he wants to concentrate on the exams coming up, ill work my magic when they're over. god i miss him.

anyway...sorry for that i needed to vent haha.

since the 9th i havent really ate a proper meal except for today which i was forced into because my mother is worried about me. she thinks im reacting way over the top, but for fucksake i love the boy and i spent the last year with him. she seriously cant expect me to forget about him in 10 minutes.
so i was given chicken and chips from the local chippy. i looked at my plate and i seriously thought i was gonna throw up. it looked foul. i picked at it and then when my mother and step dad went to watch a film i chucked it. finally food disgusts me again and it feels wonderful. i hope this feeling lasts.

anyway guys i hope your all well.
much love xxx

Immaa Back

Hellllo anas.

been a while. i apologize once again. my life is really so hectic im finding it hard to find time for anything.
but i am down to 106. i never thought id see the day. i was 109 for so long i thought thats the lowest id ever be. and to make things better im going away canoeing for three days which is bound to drop some more pounds. im leaving tomorrow. (:
i've purposely bought hardly any food to take. i just no one notices. it'll be nice to get away for a while. but im on my period which is really annoying. i wish i could be so light i didnt have one. i no you guys might not feel the same, but i honestly dont want a period. it can fuck off for all i care. who wants to have a week where they're totally unapproachable? grrr i hate them.

i wrote about starting a sort of group diet in my weight blog and im keeping my word. i'll think up all the details when im away and write them on here on Wednesday. lemme no if your in (:

its going to consist of a lot of exercise as im off school for two weeks. which is fucking awesome. i need to do more exercise in my life. im really not as active as i wanna be.
starving on its own is no way enough.

going to be focusing on revising too. i need to if i wanna have good results. which i do (:

hope everyones feeling as optimistic as i am right now!!

love you skinnies

xxxxx