Monday, 20 July 2009

Back To Square One

Being back home is werid.
There isnt anyone starring at me while i sleep.
No-one telling me that i am inches away from wasting away
No more looking into the terrified faces of the people i love
No more lying lifeless for days
No more drips and needles
Just pure freedom.

I feel like i'm trusted again. because being in hospital for four weeks must have had an effect on me that would change me. But the truth is, it hasn't.
I dont like seeing my friends and family in pain, but i dont like my fat reflection even more.
I'm now a Uk size 8 when before i went into hospital i was a size 4. or zero for you Americans readers.
The size of perfection in my eyes. well almost. But my body's not on my side clearly, spoiling my happiness by making me pass out.

So i'm taking things slow. only exercising at night while my parents are asleep. its too early to frighten them yet. i'll be back in the hospital before i can say im fine.

My shrink is an absolute idiot. shes a like a 50 year old hippy who believes that i dont have "inner peace". she really annoys me. i only have to see her for three more weeks mind, (thank god) because im putting on a real good show if i say so myself. My father thinks its too soon but, i can tell my mother hates me going to see her as much as i do. She wants to believe there's nothing wrong with me and going to see a shrink is making her worst fears become reality.

Also i got to say, my ex-twat-of-a-boyfriend visited me in hospital. He told me that seeing me like this turned him sick and that if i had any sense i would get better. So being already over emotional and not to mention extremely pissed of because i wanted to go home, i told the fucker that i was sorry for causing him such inconvenience and that he had no right to visit me after everything. (i dont know if i said, but hes now got a very ugly girlfriend whos two years younger than him) so then he had the cheek to tell me he still had feelings for me and that i was hurting him. at this point i was out of my bed ready to drop kick him in the head, but the nearby nurse came and told him to leave. lucky for him i was up to chucking him out of the window. afterwards he did send a text saying he was sorry, but i just ignored it. no way am i wasting my life on him.

So now i'm searching for a job. in McDonald's. Haaa. I think it will help with the facade that i'm better. "oh thats great, she's bound to want to eat working there" when in reality the food will truthfully put me off food even more. But nobody's realised that yet. I hope they never do.
I am looking for other jobs in other places but to be honest, McDonald's is the only one which looks hopeful.

I deleted my weight diary, i never wrote in it. i tend to use notebook i got anyway.
i am 120 right now, the word does actually hurt. but i wont be like this for long.
hope all my readers are well, and if you've actually read this entire post i want to congratulate you. sorry for ranting haa.

Peace out my lovelies xxxxxx


  1. hey hun - I stumbled across your blog this morning and found this post really interesting - I hope that you get the job if that is what you want! I am waiting to go to PARIS for my freedom - home is a suffocating pit of temptation! Keep strong x

  2. You are being so brave and strong, keep it up!! I know you can get what you want when you try, you definitely sound like you're keeping the act up well! :) Just ignore your stupid shrink and your ex (he sounds like a jerk) and be you!

    I bet you get that job--nice choice, by the way, their food grosses me out too.

  3. Eugh. McD's food is rank! I also stumbled across you and, although I'm not disordered, there's just something about your blog that draws me in. I like to keep a neutral view. Good luck with the job, it definitely sounds like having some time to get out of the house and be you would help you find some inner peace.

  4. hey hun...
    I've been following your blog for about a year now and I was shocked when I heard of the intervention.
    I just hope you will be able to do what's best for you, even if it's ana... there's just something in it that keeps us going on.
    I wondered whether you could link my blog here..
    I don't know if it's possible since it's wordpress
    and not blogspot, but even if not, maybe you'd
    like to read it. I've been through shit, too.
    I didn't have any intervention though, cause
    I wasn't thin enough. lost track and gained
    20fckn pounds. now I'm kinda back and try my
    best though I'm constantly failing.
    the blog is really new, since my myspace got
    deleted and my previous blog was in my native
    so if you're bored and want to read about
    a fat jerk that's too stupid for not eating,
    go ahead.