Fuckin Gutted

hey guyss sorry i ain posted for a while...
but i gorra reason.

on monday evening my form tutor rung my house. yes my house.
she told my mother that she was worried that i was becoming ana again. cuz she noticed at lunch time i sat in the canteen with only water.
so my mother came on to me...
how could you be doing this again! your putting us all through hell!
all that shit.
like she even gives a toss about me anyway.
so she took my laptop off me until i ate. and to make sure i did she picked me up every lunchtime to have food and stay in everynight so that i could have a sit down meal.
whaatta fuckin load of shit.
thank god the food wasnt that fattenin.
i dont no how much ive put on...but i can tell ill be crying when i step on those scales.
all through the week i put up a fight...
im not anorexic again! crocodile tears the lot.
so yesterday, i think she believed me. an gave me my laptop back and isnt taking me home for food anymore. thank fuck. but she also said shes keepin an eye on me.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i absolutely HATE my stupid fuckin nosey ass teacher.
from now on im avoiding her at all costs.

i ain givin up on ana...ever.
so they can all go & fuck themselves :)

hope your goood :)

xxxxxx

Wtf??

I am very confused right now.
today waas a reasonably good day (eating wise) and yet the scales say 112????????
thats just disgusting.
i ate oats so simple for breakfast (something i never usually have) to speed up my metabolism. then lunch time i had a packet of mega low fat low cal crisps. then when i came home i ate a salad. 10 mins ago i had an apple and some green tea.
i no thats quite a lot but its all healthly (except for the crisps but i had to...my friends were having bitch fits...AGAIN)
so what do i do? not have breakfast anymore? well i no i ain gonna eat crisps at lunchtime again.
but is this eating breakfast speeding up your metab really work? or is it a load of shit?

i even done 30 mins on my x trainner and had two lessons of gym today. so yes. i am really confused. maybe its muscle weight?
"/

i hope it goes anyway. i was gonna post my weight in my weight blog but im too ashamed.

hope everyones good.

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Ready To Start Over

Heello my lovelies

im down do 109 again...im not tooo happy as its the weight i seem to be stuck at, but its better than 111!
well tomorrows a monday, so that means a new start. ive been doing my exercises before i jumped into my bed. i gotta good feeling about this...i AM going to get down to 100.

saw my boyfriend today! :) just seeing his gorgeous face put me in a fantastic mood...that im still in now. he got me some nina ricci perfume (which i loveee and didnt expect lol) so i was over the moon. he also got me chocolates so i shared them with everyone so i didnt binge on them all.
so afterwards we obviously had a good umm...bit of sexual fun which was amazing. absence definately makes the heart grow fonder :)

congrats to all those partaking in the spring break challenge :) you all seem to be doing great
thinking of doing my own sorta thing soon...if anyones interested let me know :)

going to write a to do list now...my exams are drawing nearer an nearer :( so i need to start some serious revision

night night my darlings :)
stay skinny!

xxxxxx

Purged

Yes i just purged. i had to. i was 111lbs. i am so digusting its unbelievable.
my friend melody* came down an we wer drinkin and eating chocolate. you know them 'funsize' bars.

now shes gone and the first thing i did when she left was weigh myself.
first it came up as 8stone. then 7 stone 13. omg tha it absoultely terrible.
tomorrow im going to work out like mad.

i never normally purge. but the drink an the fact i am so fat made me do it. my eyes are watering and i feel all werid. but thats my own falut for eating so much shit.

i rung my boyfriend too. i didnt expect to get through as hes not even in this country but he answered. just listening to his voice made me wanna cry. ive missed him so much. he said he should be home at 1pm tomorrow afternoon an tha hes coming to see me. which is great as i thought he'd be home too late, so i wouldnt be able to see him.

and what does he have to come home to? i huge fat overweight cow.
well thats all changing. monday morning im not going to be like this anymore. im going to be the devoted person i know i am inside. cuz i no i still have the anorexic brain, but the rest of my body doesnt seem to be joining in. which is really starting to get me down. so its changing :)
i now offcially declare myself fat therefore i must to what i have to, to become the person i wanna be.

sorry for going on...but i have to get this all out of my system.

love you all guys... hope your doing great :)

xxxxxxx

The Pain Is Almost Over

Hi guyss

1st of all i'd like to say a huge thank you to everyone who reads my blog. your sucha huge inspiration to me an i love to death :)

been finding it hard not to binge, as i got nothing to do. and to top that all off, my mother woke me up at 9 in this morning because my uncle was coming to finish off the last bit of my bedroom. so i had to crawl out of bed...literally roll out down the stairs. i think im developing insomia. i cant seem to get to sleep anymore...it takes hours and hours to drop off.

i asked one of my closest friends who i havent seen since new years eve to come over too. shes been to poland so i feelt very guilty that i havent talked to her in so long or anything.
the 1st thing i noticed was how skinny she was. her chest bones were sticking out loads. she also mentioned that she'd been living off soup in poland because she didnt like the food in the hotel. which probably explains it. i was so jealous of her beautiful bones. i wish my chest stuck out like that.

my boyfriend leaves austria tomorrow. and i couldnt be happier. loss of him caused an extreme loss of motivation also i found without him i had way too much spare time on my hands. which was used to binge. i still cant believe how one person could have sucha huge impact on my life. i still havent heard a peep out of him.

i hope he hasnt realised what a fat horrible cow i am and that he never wants to see me again.

i cant believe im saying this but i cant wait for school to start back. this week has been horrible. i felt like a prisoner in my own bedroom. not wanted by anyone, binging and throwing all my hard work away. this week has probably been the worst half term ever. my friends dont seem to want to know me and would rather do things without me. i dont blame them. im disgusting.

hopee everyones doing well...especially thoses on the spring break challenge :)

love you all

xxxx

Getting Back On My Feet

hi guysss

i was pretty hysterical in the last post, so sorry if it seemed over the top lol.

im still 110, but its not staying that way. i watched the most inspiring video on youtube last night...super skinny me it was called. its a documentary about 2 woman trying to reach size double zero in 5 weeks. its split up into 5 videos and i really recommend you watch them when in need of thinspo. causee it sure did the trick for me!

i woke up this morning feeling rather motivated...ive been sleeping late purposely so i miss breakfast and lunch...so my mother doesnt say anything when i just eat oats so simple. theres like 127 cals in one serving so its not so bad. then i spent half an hour on the x trainer burning them bastard cals off. i lost roughly 250 cals doing that so now im functioning on minus cals lol.
i think ill say im going up my dads for dinner to my mother so i dont have to eat dinner. "/

i wish i had my own place, there would be no one to tell me to eat, no one to nag me...id just do what i want. and lose so much more than i am at the moment.

im also keeping cold. im in my bedroom now with all the windows open. its rather nippy :L.

6 days my boyfriends been away for. and im still not gonna see him until tuesday. and he hasnt rung me or anything. making me think hes having fun with some other girl to even bother to think of me. its the longest we've been out of contact and its horrible.

but hes gonna have a surprise when he comes back. im gonna be lush and skinny. then he'll never want to not ring me ever again.

also, i deleted everything my ex txted me and everything i sent him. im not being sucked in by him again and im not going to lose the boy that means the world to me. cuz my ex is so not worth it.

hope your guyss are doing well...your all my inspiration :)

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I Am Officially Digusting

Omg i am so fat.
i juust weighed and i am 110.
i feel so bad i wanna cry.
but i kinda knew this was coming. i havent been eating properly (ive been eating crisps and everything else that is fattening like chocolate) all because i miss my boyfriend. i know i shouldnt blame this thing on him being away but when hes here i seem more motivated. i WANT to go to the gym. i WANT to chuck out every chocolate bar thats in my fridge.
but when hes away my world falls apart an i jus wanna pig out.
so now ive decided. what the fuck. hes going to come home to a big fat whale and dump me. so why bother being upset that hes not here, cuz when he comes back its guna be a 1000 times worse as he'll dump me for being sucha fat bitch.
so im going for a run tomorrow. a serious one. im not gunna stop all day. im gunna do everything i need to do and not laze about being a fat fucker.

cuz honestly, im not worthy to call myself "pro-ana" cuz the way ive been acting lately, i might as well just call myself a "woman who cant say no to cooked dinners"or someone who says " i might not be so much to look at but im a real nice person on the inside." thats the last thing i wanna have to say. i want my pictures to speak for themselves.

i want everyone to think shes lost weight! or omg, shes got a awesome figure.
not god shes not as thin as she used to be...or wow shes been hitting mcdonalds big time.
cuz girls lets face it. no matter what people say FAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE.
FAT IS DISGUSTING AND SHOULD BE GOTTEN RID OF IMEDIATELY.

i really do wish i could do you girls proud. like actually lose weight. cuz right now no one can possibly find me inspiring. im so fat its hurting me.

i hope the next time i sign on i can say something thats good.
wish me luck. im going to need it to get rid of my fat.

xxxx

Hmmm

Hello peopless

i hadda a great time in town :)
i cheated on my boyfriend againnn tho... "/
for fucks sake like. the man was like 27 :O
he tried to take me outside for well you know but i said no.
im proud of that. i dunoo why drink makes me sucha slut.
i spent 35 pounds on drink...so you can guess that i was steaming.
i havent weighed yet. i havent had anything to eat today tho.

ive been texting my txt lately. nothing dirty or anything, but it made me realise something.
a few weeks ago if i was texting my ex, i would have been over the moon.
but now that my boyfriend has gone anyway and im texting my ex, i dont want him.
everytime my fone goes off im hoping its my boyfriend and when i see its my ex im gutted.
that really does show how much i love my boyfriend doesnt it. i hope he rings me soon i miss him so much.

also him being gone makes me just wanna do fuck all. when i got quite a lot to do. but also i dont wanna eat. so that good.

oh im really sorry guys. im so fucking boring aye.

hope your all goood
im off to watch briget jones

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All Lonely On V Day

So he's gone! gone until a week next sunday night. aww i miss him already.

im going to town tonight with my girliess and getting absolutely hammered. :L
i no theres gonna be loads of cals involed so im fasting this morning until a hour before i go when i have a banana and some more fruit.
then ill go to the gym tomorrow morning

i weighed last night an i was 109 again! grrr its so annoying im not losing at all.
i will have to get serious but im finding it hard.

ive been cleanning all this morning. in my house and my dads.
for money lol.

and last i got chatting with my ex. we're still friends but we hadnt talked in a while. it was nice. an ther was some flirting there too "/
i dont no whether im getting feelings for him again. but then again i dont think i ever really got completely over him.
he asked me to pop down to this bar hes going to be in but im not.
i no none of my friends will want to and i dont wan them to think im getting feelings for him again. but i got his number now and hes got mine.
oh this whole thing could possibly get bad "/
as my current boyfriend hates him.
oh well.
we'll see what happens.

i hope your all good. good luck to those doing the spring challenge...im thinkin of doing my own sorta thing wen i go back to school, cuz i no im going to binge sometime in the week. out of loneiness. i can feel it.

love you alll

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Bingee Bingee Binnnnnge

yes i binged. it was bad. i havent weighed. the scales seem so scary right now.

ive also been having extreme mood swings.
im like totally hyper/happy then im angry and feel like crying.
ive cried every night since monday.

my boyfriends parents play a huge part in the angry/sadness tho.
they are soooo fucking rude. they wont even speak to me. i say hello everytime i see them. they answer in quiet voices and seem like theyd rather not speak to me. they never make conversation so i always feel like shit. ive been seeing aaron for a year next month, and ive only had a conversation with his mother once. ONCE. his father seems more human, but hes never around. i honestly wish they would fuck up and stop thinking im not good enough for their precious son.
who, is blind to my relationship with his parents.
my mother always talks to him, for ages sometimes. so does my step dad.
grrr just grow up ini??!!

im going to fast tomorrow. my mothers away so she wont be pressuring me to eat. she keeps calling me too skinny and bordering skeleton. (I REALLY DO FUCKING WISH!!!!) but because theres no one in my house i might binge. ill do my coursework to take my mind of it.

quite a few of you want to see my hair...i'll get a pic up here soon :)

hope i can get more inspired than i feel now...cuz i feell preeeetty low.

lovee you skinnys

xxxxxxx

Absolutely Over The Moon

Hellllo everyone!

im so happy right now,
me and aaron have decided what we're getting eachother for valetines day.
hes getting me this gorgeous black dress, and im getting him a hoodie and some nice boxers :)

im so chuffed with the dress...i havent stopped smiling. i just hope he can give it to me in time to wear it on friday!! im going to town with all the single girls...as hes leaving me for austria.
woooooooohoooooooooooo im so amazingly happy.

anywaysss...today went rather well. i ate my carrots and lettuce for dinner but in geography my teacher brought mars bars in...(to do with glaciation...dun ask :S lol) and i had to eat it cuz all the girls know i love them...it was only a small one anyway
if only there was a bin near, i would have dun a little c&s.
but there wasnt. and everyone would have seen me anyway lol

hoping theres a difference in my weight since saturday. going to weigh in a bit...once ive done a few things.
also i started an english essay today. it hasnt been set as homework yet but i might just do some...to get it out of the way. sorry if i sound like a swat.

everyone seemed to like my hair today...one of my friends was chuffed that i dyed it..."come on, the other colour was like ginger she said ( no offense if theres anys gingers reading this)"
and i am really liking it too. might leave a picture but i ain sure.
wanna see it guyss? lol

hope your feeling as good as i am...cuz im def over the moon :)

lovee you all
stay skinny

xxxxxx

Omg Huge Bitch By Here :L

haallowww

today is my last day of being fat so after this...ill prob binge on jaffa cakes.

ive already eaten a mini tub of ben and jerrys cookie dough.
but i dun care.
tomorrow its changing forever!!
except for the cookie dough, ive only eaten a banana and my mug of green tea.

so i think im ok to binge.

ive cleanned all day today...didnt even get to watch the rugby match in full because i was being a proper cinderella.

then after that i full on gave myself a beauty therapy sesh. :) i fell super clean lol. not tha i ain normally. gor a bit of ocd in the clean department.

my stupid bitch of a friend just annoyed the hell outta me. lets call her...huw. :L
ill start at the beginning. we used to be really close...best friends forever!! blah blah blah.
then cuz my parents are friendly with hers we went on holiday together. about 4 times.

but last year i went on my own with them. no momma or daddio. and that hoilday turned out to be the worst one ive ever had thanks to huw. she was fine in the first week but the second, she just ignored me for no reason and left me out...basically made me want to run a 10000 miles home. i did cry secretly a few times becuz i was so fed up with her. so now, i dont really consider her a "close"friend and more of a slug.
and shes got like a secret life to. of a slut. she enjoys txtin her so called friends boyfriends and is the reason a lot of my friends are single right now. so yes. i dont like her. we still talk...but i reallly would rather talk to someone else. well anyway.
today i moved some of my friends (that i like way more) up in my top 16 on bebo.
then (cuz shes always on msn and bebo...doesnt seem to sleep just lives on her laptop) literally a second after i done it, she was msnin me..."how am i so low then?" "dun like me do you"
NO!!! i felt like saying. but i jus said i felt closer to the other girls. so that insant she moves me out right down to the bottom of hers. because shes so mature.
im not bothered that she moved me but come on. get a life. shes such an outcast i really do hate her.
lol

sorry for the bitchin. but sometimes you just gorra get it out.

this post is prob considerably long so ill go now. hope you guys are all doing well.

loveee you :)

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Hadda Nice Night Tonight

Helllooo Loveliess

well i now own brown hair!
which went successfully for once. normally when i dye my hair something goes wrong...but thankfully not this time :)

i look quite different i do say. for the better?
i sure do hope so.
i reallly need to start putting the tan on, i do look quite pale lol
i just got on the scales and 109 still stares back at me. "/
but in all fairness i havent tried as hard as normal...due to being ill. but i no i say this every week, but this week is going to be different :)

i went bowling tonight with Aaron, his sister and her boyfriend.
it was very nice hadda a really good time. it was a nice change from being stuck inside shivering and sneezing.

oh yes before i forget...Maggie commented on the last post and asked if everyone knows i have ana.
well most people know ive had ana in the past but dont know ive still got it. they think im over it...so therefore im called the 'skinny/anorexic one' out of my friends. i act like i dont mind (because i dont want people thinkin i care) but its really annoying when im not losing and im still a fat fuck. so yes and no is the answer really lol

i hope your allll fab as usual...im off to read your blogs lol

love you all

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Holaa

Helllo my loveliess
i just realised that there are 27 people following this blog (wow thats loadsss)
so i'd like to say a huggeee thank you...
am i really suprised so many people find my life interesting.

anywayss i dunno about any of you, but sometimes i just feel like a change.
so tomorrow ive booked to have my hair dyed dark brown. ive only told my boyfriend.
so monday in school everyone will be like 'omg man! is that you' but i think i really need to shake things up a bit. i feel like im stuck in a rut.

so im also planning to go shopping for new make-up, tan + false nails so i don't look so boring.
i want people to look at me and be like wow.
i wanna be known as the 'super sexy skinny girl' not just 'anorexic girl'
cuz rite now, im known as Ana and thats pretty boring.

today i had a goodish day...
a ate porridge a muller light yoghurts and 2 90 special k bars...oooh and a tangerine.
unfortuntely my boyfriend forced a slice of pizza down me.
my mother keeps going on that im not going to get better if i dont start eating properly.
but to me, shes the one whos not eating properly
cooked breakfast twice in a row? please thats just disgusting!
she bought me new green tea today tho...so shes in my good books :)

also, i no this is really random but does anyone notice how most of the girls on my super sweet sixteen are totally in love with themselves even if their absoutely buzzin?
itss likee jeezz louise look in a mirror!!

sorry for that lol

hope your all well anywayss

lovee you

xxxxxxx

Periods + Boy Troubles

Still ill.
but to make matters worsee...its the unfortunate time of the month for me.
(well im quite happy i came on cuz i was starting to think i was pregnant...i havent had a period for AGESSS)

anyway im supposed to be having school tomorrow. but fuck it its a friday there's no point.

i'll just stay home, and get all my homework/coursework/everything else sorted.
soundss gooddd to me.

i didnt eat much today...
1 muller light yoghurt 86(i think) cals
and 2 90 cal special k bars. (ooooh i love em)

my big bro got into the raf today.
im really happy for him. but at the same time i no im going to miss him.
there's only one year (11 months really) between us and we've got the same sence of humour so we get on really well. so i guess im going to miss him more than i thought. "/

Aaron was doing my head in today.
going on and on and on and on about skiing.
an to piss me off further...
all these "plastic"girls are going that are a year younger than him
(FYI me an my group of friends are considered plastic, but please dont take that into account...im nothing like that...i just care about my appearance so therefore in my school, im considered plastic)
anywho...i no he's got a soft spot for a few of them even tho he wont admitt it.
so im on edge. i dont no what to do with myself. "/

hmmm. oh well im off to better my websitee...(if you ain looked at it yet, what wrong with you??!! lol)

lovee you all buttyss :)

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Ill

Heey guyss

i wokee up about 12:15 today "/ (still no school + none tomorrow either!! hehe)
and my throat was really hurting.
but i went out anyway.
i walked over to the village where my boyfriend and most of my friends live (to enjoy the snow once again)
my feet where soaking cuz i wore uggs lol
but yesterday when i wore them, my feet were fine :S

anyway throughout the day my health deterioated and now im in bed with a terrible sore throat and headache :(

andd i also found out that my boyfriend is leaving on valetines day to go skiing with his school. :(
i was really hoping on havin a romantic meal (i was going to fast the week before so i could eat...) somewhere nice followed by sexual sex.
im so upset.

i hope he doesnt leave me for some austrian girl.

thankfully due to my ill health, my eating habbits have been great.
ive only had a bottle of fizzy water and some sugar free throat sweets.

hopppe your all feeling better than me.

stay skinnnnny

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My Website

Havent Binged!
yet anywayss...im off out to enjoy the snow with my friends in a bit...

in my atempt not to binge i created a pro-ana site. look at it and sign the guestbook, if you please...ill be ever so greatful :)

http://underneaththeclothes.webs.com/

lovee you allllllll

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Snow Day!

Its now 10:44 on a monday morning, and im not in science :)
yess its snowing and like a 4 year old im over the moon haha
its not even that heavy yet, but its supposed to get really bad (wwwoooop)
and i havent got any school tomorrow either.
unless gobal warming takes place over night.

id like to thank everyone who commented on my last post, your comments were lovely :)

im worried now tho that im going to binge today, as theres nothing really to stop me.
my boyfriend's school (as far as i no) is not closed so i cant go somewhere with him to take my mind off food.
he doesnt like to take his phone to school (werido)

i should really take this opportunity to finish my music compostition, but i cant be fucked.
ive only got like 13 or 14 weeks to my gcses.
grrrr. ill prob end up doing it. it will take my mind off binging i supposee...

andd my foot is still bad so i cant hop on the x trainner.

i dont think the school closing was such a good idea after all....

oh well.
ill prob leave another post after (either to say how proud of myself i am for not binging or to tell you how much shit i ate.)

muchh love my ana loveeliess :)

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