Back To Square One

Being back home is werid.
There isnt anyone starring at me while i sleep.
No-one telling me that i am inches away from wasting away
No more looking into the terrified faces of the people i love
No more lying lifeless for days
No more drips and needles
Just pure freedom.

I feel like i'm trusted again. because being in hospital for four weeks must have had an effect on me that would change me. But the truth is, it hasn't.
I dont like seeing my friends and family in pain, but i dont like my fat reflection even more.
I'm now a Uk size 8 when before i went into hospital i was a size 4. or zero for you Americans readers.
The size of perfection in my eyes. well almost. But my body's not on my side clearly, spoiling my happiness by making me pass out.

So i'm taking things slow. only exercising at night while my parents are asleep. its too early to frighten them yet. i'll be back in the hospital before i can say im fine.

My shrink is an absolute idiot. shes a like a 50 year old hippy who believes that i dont have "inner peace". she really annoys me. i only have to see her for three more weeks mind, (thank god) because im putting on a real good show if i say so myself. My father thinks its too soon but, i can tell my mother hates me going to see her as much as i do. She wants to believe there's nothing wrong with me and going to see a shrink is making her worst fears become reality.

Also i got to say, my ex-twat-of-a-boyfriend visited me in hospital. He told me that seeing me like this turned him sick and that if i had any sense i would get better. So being already over emotional and not to mention extremely pissed of because i wanted to go home, i told the fucker that i was sorry for causing him such inconvenience and that he had no right to visit me after everything. (i dont know if i said, but hes now got a very ugly girlfriend whos two years younger than him) so then he had the cheek to tell me he still had feelings for me and that i was hurting him. at this point i was out of my bed ready to drop kick him in the head, but the nearby nurse came and told him to leave. lucky for him i was up to chucking him out of the window. afterwards he did send a text saying he was sorry, but i just ignored it. no way am i wasting my life on him.

So now i'm searching for a job. in McDonald's. Haaa. I think it will help with the facade that i'm better. "oh thats great, she's bound to want to eat working there" when in reality the food will truthfully put me off food even more. But nobody's realised that yet. I hope they never do.
I am looking for other jobs in other places but to be honest, McDonald's is the only one which looks hopeful.

I deleted my weight diary, i never wrote in it. i tend to use notebook i got anyway.
i am 120 right now, the word does actually hurt. but i wont be like this for long.
hope all my readers are well, and if you've actually read this entire post i want to congratulate you. sorry for ranting haa.

Peace out my lovelies xxxxxx

Back From The Dead

Well hello there.

ain been on here for absolutely ages. very sorry. a LOT has happened.
well thats a bit of an understatement to be honest.

i've been in hospital for the last four weeks. only 3 days ago i got out.
i collapsed after my last GCSE exam and an ambulance was called. and to cut a long story short they discovered i werent right so they kept me in, and because of my history they put me on a special absolutely terrible diet.
it didnt really help because i was bringing it back up when i went to the toilet so they kept me in.
now im out, looking absolutely terrible and fat.
my mother's gone super strict but there's only so much she can do, as her job requires her to go to countries all over the world so, i cant have her on my back anymore.

i have to see a stupid shrink once a week too.
im going to have to put on one hell of an act to shake her off.

can't write much, about to go out. hope everyones well, feels so good to read all your blogs again :)
love you xxxx

Woohooo

Hello everyonee :)

im goood better than good actually.
i discovered that i HATE my ex an that i wasted my time with him!
hes gone around telling everyone bullshit about me an the relationship we had...which is pathetic.
its actually a good thing as it makes it easier to forget him. i dont wanna be crying about him all the time do i!

i went to a party last night. i really enjoyed myself got chatted up twice by 2 very fit guys which was a huge confidence boost that i really needed to be honest.

and im now actually texting someone...but i dont know if i wanna make anything of it yet. its too early to tell.

im sorry to write about my personal life on every post but it feels so good to get it outta my system.

anyway, food wise ive been doin ok i supposee...no serious binges for ages which is fabulous. my scales is playing up right now..so i ain sure of my weight. which is annoying. my exams start soon...havent done enough revision but thats life. this year sure does win the most hectic award for sure.

well ill leave it at that for today...hope my little anas are good :)
love you all xxxxxx

Starting to Feel Better

hiaa everyonee :)
im starting to feel better...my ex is slowly fading away from my thoughts and im beginning to think that he's not so important.
if he wants to leave me over something so petty as exams, hes not worth my time.
yes i still love him, yes i wouldnt say no if he asked me back but there's only so long im going to feel like this.
ive even been asked out on a date by a guy, but i dont feel that way for him...but i might go one day...just to piss my ex off an prove that other people find me attractive...unlike him!

anyway, i havent done so well today, my mother made me stay in and eat...as i havent eaten a proper meal for nearly two weeks. so i havent checked my weight...but i was 105 when i last checked.

my mother is getting really worried...im trying to asure her that im fine but shes not believing any of it. lucky for me she just thinks its because the break up and not anything like...an eating disorder.

i know i said something about a challenge thing but ive really been either too stressed/busy to organise anything like this so i apoligise. i will when i get the chance :)

i feel all bloated now and disgusting. food sure is the worst thing ever. it makes me feel soo friggin ill!

hope everyones good :)

xxxxxxxx

Down Again

hey people
had loads of support from you guys on my last post...thanks very much appreciated :)

id like to say that my mood has improved but id be lying lol
im still deeply upset, worried about my lack of revision and to add to these worries...i got my mother being all unreasonable because i fainted today.
i was quite chuffed because i like the feeling i get when i faint but my mother didnt share my feelings. if i faint again ill be going to the doctors. :/ not my favourite place in the world to be honest.

ill try and be more discreet if i lose consciousness again.

im totally down i cant believe i got school tomorrow i really dont wanna go. my life is shit nobody loves me an im going to fail my exams an end up workin in mcdonalds.

:(

goin to bed now folks hope you feel better than me

xxx

Down

hi guys sorry i ain been around been a bit preoccupied :/
me and my boyfriend of just over a year finished and im absolutely heartbroken
it couldnt have come at a better time really ive been off school for two weeks and havent done any revision for my exams as ive been too upset to concentrate. ive managed to do a little today and im not going back until tuesday, but thats hardly gonna make much difference.

i hope its a temporary thing because still love eachother. well he said he did. we were having a really silly arguement over some shit an then he said that we needed a break. and that maybe we could get back in a while. i was being a bitch to him to be honest but as soon as he said that, i realised that i was being horrible. i love him so much and i cant put into words how much i regret arguing with him. saying that, it might have happened anyway as he said it wasnt really to do with the arguement.

i saw him the other day too in a party. it was werid it felt like i was still with him but i wasnt talking to him. his friends say that hes been upset all week, which really annoys me as hes the one who wanted to end it.

ive been walking around like a zombie not eating anything and crying. not eating being a good side effect i suppose. if only i could swap all the food around me for him back. why is it im stuck with the thing i dont want?
ive been dreaming about him thats how much i think of him. he means everything to me i hope i can win him back. as he also ended it cuz he wants to concentrate on the exams coming up, ill work my magic when they're over. god i miss him.

anyway...sorry for that i needed to vent haha.

since the 9th i havent really ate a proper meal except for today which i was forced into because my mother is worried about me. she thinks im reacting way over the top, but for fucksake i love the boy and i spent the last year with him. she seriously cant expect me to forget about him in 10 minutes.
so i was given chicken and chips from the local chippy. i looked at my plate and i seriously thought i was gonna throw up. it looked foul. i picked at it and then when my mother and step dad went to watch a film i chucked it. finally food disgusts me again and it feels wonderful. i hope this feeling lasts.

anyway guys i hope your all well.
much love xxx

Immaa Back

Hellllo anas.

been a while. i apologize once again. my life is really so hectic im finding it hard to find time for anything.
but i am down to 106. i never thought id see the day. i was 109 for so long i thought thats the lowest id ever be. and to make things better im going away canoeing for three days which is bound to drop some more pounds. im leaving tomorrow. (:
i've purposely bought hardly any food to take. i just no one notices. it'll be nice to get away for a while. but im on my period which is really annoying. i wish i could be so light i didnt have one. i no you guys might not feel the same, but i honestly dont want a period. it can fuck off for all i care. who wants to have a week where they're totally unapproachable? grrr i hate them.

i wrote about starting a sort of group diet in my weight blog and im keeping my word. i'll think up all the details when im away and write them on here on Wednesday. lemme no if your in (:

its going to consist of a lot of exercise as im off school for two weeks. which is fucking awesome. i need to do more exercise in my life. im really not as active as i wanna be.
starving on its own is no way enough.

going to be focusing on revising too. i need to if i wanna have good results. which i do (:

hope everyones feeling as optimistic as i am right now!!

love you skinnies

xxxxx

Starting Over

hi guyss

had my first proper argument with my boyfriend last night and today. it was horrible. i cant stand arguing with him thats why we never have. but i was fed up of running back to him. i told him that he needed to try and prove to me that he loved me more cuz he doesnt that often. and he did not like that. but we've made up now. lol

done not to good this past few days but thankfully my mother has become a member of this awesome posh gym and shes put me down on this thing so i can go too. im chuffed :)

i got my friends birthday meal tomorro evening and then on friday a huuge party with everyone i ever met going to be there. i've ordered my dress...i absolutely love it...it should get here by tomorro i hope it fits! if its too small or something ill fast until friday. that oughta make me slimmer.

oh well im off to bed folks love you all

xxx

Update On My Life :)

Haha...my post the other day was a slightly drunken one but i think i done ok considering :L...
i made an absolute tit outta myself that day... i think thats why i shouldnt drink. ever.
i dont wanna go into it, ill cringe too much.

i weighed the other day to find im down to 107! thank god i know its only two pounds but 109 was starting to get me down. i hope ill keep it off. :)

i feel really weird right now tho. i didnt eat all day... not intentionally as i wanted to have something little to speed up my metabolism but on the bus home i felt bad...also due to me not drinking enough i suppose...i might start taking them big 2 litre bottles to school. i might look stupid carrying one of them around all day, but if it'll get me to drink more its worth it. dehydration is my enemy...i tend to faint :L

my crazy ex has been texting me...i really need to change my number. i think he's trying to prove he's sorry but i dont want to speak to him. period. ive moved on, and i got more important things to worry about. but he cant take it so im going to change my number. my mother is telling me to go to the police, but i dont want to. ive had enough of them i wanna get on with my life.

my current boyfriend hasnt said anything about the anorexic comments i made on Saturday...thank god. i suppose he just thinks that i was drunk and that i didnt mean it. as i said loads of other things that were complete bullshit. ill prob find it all quite funny in a few weeks time but right now the memory is still raw and quite embarrassing.
im going to read all you're blogs now as i am very behind...which i apoligise for :L

chow 4 now

xxxxxxx

hiaa guyss

hiaa people...
omg i love you so much...you guys left 5 comments on my last post....i love ya :)

well you'll be happy to now i didnt eat anythin...no burgers or hot dogs...
they are disgusting anyway...even worse than just plain meet to be honest...who really knows whats in burgers or hot dogs.

today i went shopping for mother's day then i went out to watch the rugby match then i got really drunk. dont ask me why, there was no need. but i did anyway. my boyfriend looked after me. i love him. he's gorgeous an looks after me. but i ended up telling him anorexic things like for example...
im fat as fuck i dont deserve to live....(no offensive ment to be caused...i was really drunk im very sorry ) but at the end of the day thats how i really feel.

and he's kinda worried abou me right now. but ill sort it out. im good with things like that.

hope your all good guys...i honestly do love you all

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Holaa

just leaving a quick post before i go out...
one of my friends is having a bbq...im determined not to eat anything though :)

i done well today. well not that great but better than before.
i had 2 98 cal cereal bars and not enough water to keep anything alive.
i need to get into the habit of drinking loads again, ive sorta lost it. its no good unless you drink water folks!!

i did just plan on weighing myself but my mams boyfriend is working in their bedroom so i dun really wanna do it now...he might get nosey.

also...im totally amazed i got like 41 followers. thanks for having interest in such a freaks life.

i got two aims for to acheive by next friday:

back to my old self...no binges, pigging out, or not doing exercise or drinking not enough water.

start properly revising...my GCSE's are like 5 weeks away an i no fuck all...i need to stop putting my social life 1st...tonight is a good example. :P

and another aim is

stop neglecting my blog readers...i have been awful over the past month...i'm getting back to it though guys :)

lovee you all millionsss :)
xxxxxxxx

hey guys

well my ex pleaded guilty. so am awaiting what his sentence is gonna be. he didnt actually rape so it wont be too severe. he feels so guilty about it too but i said i think its best if we dont communicate anymore. i wanna forget about what happened and him.

thanks for your very supportive comments ladies. it means a lot...thanks :)

over the past week i havent done too well. ive been binging to take away the pain but all its done is made me feel worse. so im back to the old me. i physically cant take it anymore.

im so worried about everything and i feel like crying all the time. this is the effect binging has on me. its torture. i just wanna curl up in a ball and die.

my boyfriend has been so supportive about the whole thing but i also feel like he's being distant with me...the whole ordeal is probably quite hard to handle. i hope he comes back to normal.

love you all guys stay strong
xxx

Another Sorry Post Lol

life's been hectic. and i mean it.
im not sure of my weight...again
but i think ive been doing ok.

the main reason why i havent been on here is my ex.
i dont mind being so open about it now because ive had to say it so many times its not so painful anymore.
he basically tried to rape me, breaking my finger in the process.
so i had to go to the police and go through all that shit. ill have to go to court soon.
unless he pleas gulity soon. which i gota feeling he'll do.
he didnt manage to do much cuz i was screaming so much and people came running.
i hope that the last time i ever go near him. he disgusts me. i cant believe i used to love him.

this whole thing has had a good effect on my food tho...cuz i havent once felt like eating which i suppose is understandable.

sorry this is a short post tonight ladiess...but im so fucking tired i jus gorra go to bed.
hope you're good...havent had a chance to read your blogs yet...ill do it tomorrow :)

llove you all

xxxxxxxx

Sorrry Guys!

Sorry i havent posted since saturday....
but ive been eating 'normally' (really like an average fat disgusting person) for the last few days to get my mother of my back.
its worked too. shes away now until friday evening so i'll use this time to get myself back together.
i'll be staying up my father's which will be easier to go without food. I'll just tell him i ate before i came down, he won't say anything.
I also skipped school today and yesterday. Ain really sure why, but the thought of school seemed terrible. i said i was being sick...so i didnt have to eat much even tho i ate more than i would have liked to.
I was intending on going to school today but...my bed was nicer. i can also get all my coursework done which should put me back in the game.
my exams are getting nearer and nearer but i just dont seem to be getting moviated.
oh well ill have to start soon or ill end up a trailer trash bum.

i havent weighed...but i think ill run upstairs and do it this instant...here i go...

........

109 what a surprise. i should be happy with that but im sorry...
ive been this fucking number for ages and its doing my head in.
oh well ill have to work hard now. no more food.
seriously. ive had enough trying to prove that im not ana...wen i should be gettin on with being ana.

-Ana
xxxxx

Fuckin Gutted

hey guyss sorry i ain posted for a while...
but i gorra reason.

on monday evening my form tutor rung my house. yes my house.
she told my mother that she was worried that i was becoming ana again. cuz she noticed at lunch time i sat in the canteen with only water.
so my mother came on to me...
how could you be doing this again! your putting us all through hell!
all that shit.
like she even gives a toss about me anyway.
so she took my laptop off me until i ate. and to make sure i did she picked me up every lunchtime to have food and stay in everynight so that i could have a sit down meal.
whaatta fuckin load of shit.
thank god the food wasnt that fattenin.
i dont no how much ive put on...but i can tell ill be crying when i step on those scales.
all through the week i put up a fight...
im not anorexic again! crocodile tears the lot.
so yesterday, i think she believed me. an gave me my laptop back and isnt taking me home for food anymore. thank fuck. but she also said shes keepin an eye on me.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i absolutely HATE my stupid fuckin nosey ass teacher.
from now on im avoiding her at all costs.

i ain givin up on ana...ever.
so they can all go & fuck themselves :)

hope your goood :)

xxxxxx

Wtf??

I am very confused right now.
today waas a reasonably good day (eating wise) and yet the scales say 112????????
thats just disgusting.
i ate oats so simple for breakfast (something i never usually have) to speed up my metabolism. then lunch time i had a packet of mega low fat low cal crisps. then when i came home i ate a salad. 10 mins ago i had an apple and some green tea.
i no thats quite a lot but its all healthly (except for the crisps but i had to...my friends were having bitch fits...AGAIN)
so what do i do? not have breakfast anymore? well i no i ain gonna eat crisps at lunchtime again.
but is this eating breakfast speeding up your metab really work? or is it a load of shit?

i even done 30 mins on my x trainner and had two lessons of gym today. so yes. i am really confused. maybe its muscle weight?
"/

i hope it goes anyway. i was gonna post my weight in my weight blog but im too ashamed.

hope everyones good.

xxxxxxxx

Ready To Start Over

Heello my lovelies

im down do 109 again...im not tooo happy as its the weight i seem to be stuck at, but its better than 111!
well tomorrows a monday, so that means a new start. ive been doing my exercises before i jumped into my bed. i gotta good feeling about this...i AM going to get down to 100.

saw my boyfriend today! :) just seeing his gorgeous face put me in a fantastic mood...that im still in now. he got me some nina ricci perfume (which i loveee and didnt expect lol) so i was over the moon. he also got me chocolates so i shared them with everyone so i didnt binge on them all.
so afterwards we obviously had a good umm...bit of sexual fun which was amazing. absence definately makes the heart grow fonder :)

congrats to all those partaking in the spring break challenge :) you all seem to be doing great
thinking of doing my own sorta thing soon...if anyones interested let me know :)

going to write a to do list now...my exams are drawing nearer an nearer :( so i need to start some serious revision

night night my darlings :)
stay skinny!

xxxxxx

Purged

Yes i just purged. i had to. i was 111lbs. i am so digusting its unbelievable.
my friend melody* came down an we wer drinkin and eating chocolate. you know them 'funsize' bars.

now shes gone and the first thing i did when she left was weigh myself.
first it came up as 8stone. then 7 stone 13. omg tha it absoultely terrible.
tomorrow im going to work out like mad.

i never normally purge. but the drink an the fact i am so fat made me do it. my eyes are watering and i feel all werid. but thats my own falut for eating so much shit.

i rung my boyfriend too. i didnt expect to get through as hes not even in this country but he answered. just listening to his voice made me wanna cry. ive missed him so much. he said he should be home at 1pm tomorrow afternoon an tha hes coming to see me. which is great as i thought he'd be home too late, so i wouldnt be able to see him.

and what does he have to come home to? i huge fat overweight cow.
well thats all changing. monday morning im not going to be like this anymore. im going to be the devoted person i know i am inside. cuz i no i still have the anorexic brain, but the rest of my body doesnt seem to be joining in. which is really starting to get me down. so its changing :)
i now offcially declare myself fat therefore i must to what i have to, to become the person i wanna be.

sorry for going on...but i have to get this all out of my system.

love you all guys... hope your doing great :)

xxxxxxx

The Pain Is Almost Over

Hi guyss

1st of all i'd like to say a huge thank you to everyone who reads my blog. your sucha huge inspiration to me an i love to death :)

been finding it hard not to binge, as i got nothing to do. and to top that all off, my mother woke me up at 9 in this morning because my uncle was coming to finish off the last bit of my bedroom. so i had to crawl out of bed...literally roll out down the stairs. i think im developing insomia. i cant seem to get to sleep anymore...it takes hours and hours to drop off.

i asked one of my closest friends who i havent seen since new years eve to come over too. shes been to poland so i feelt very guilty that i havent talked to her in so long or anything.
the 1st thing i noticed was how skinny she was. her chest bones were sticking out loads. she also mentioned that she'd been living off soup in poland because she didnt like the food in the hotel. which probably explains it. i was so jealous of her beautiful bones. i wish my chest stuck out like that.

my boyfriend leaves austria tomorrow. and i couldnt be happier. loss of him caused an extreme loss of motivation also i found without him i had way too much spare time on my hands. which was used to binge. i still cant believe how one person could have sucha huge impact on my life. i still havent heard a peep out of him.

i hope he hasnt realised what a fat horrible cow i am and that he never wants to see me again.

i cant believe im saying this but i cant wait for school to start back. this week has been horrible. i felt like a prisoner in my own bedroom. not wanted by anyone, binging and throwing all my hard work away. this week has probably been the worst half term ever. my friends dont seem to want to know me and would rather do things without me. i dont blame them. im disgusting.

hopee everyones doing well...especially thoses on the spring break challenge :)

love you all

xxxx

Getting Back On My Feet

hi guysss

i was pretty hysterical in the last post, so sorry if it seemed over the top lol.

im still 110, but its not staying that way. i watched the most inspiring video on youtube last night...super skinny me it was called. its a documentary about 2 woman trying to reach size double zero in 5 weeks. its split up into 5 videos and i really recommend you watch them when in need of thinspo. causee it sure did the trick for me!

i woke up this morning feeling rather motivated...ive been sleeping late purposely so i miss breakfast and lunch...so my mother doesnt say anything when i just eat oats so simple. theres like 127 cals in one serving so its not so bad. then i spent half an hour on the x trainer burning them bastard cals off. i lost roughly 250 cals doing that so now im functioning on minus cals lol.
i think ill say im going up my dads for dinner to my mother so i dont have to eat dinner. "/

i wish i had my own place, there would be no one to tell me to eat, no one to nag me...id just do what i want. and lose so much more than i am at the moment.

im also keeping cold. im in my bedroom now with all the windows open. its rather nippy :L.

6 days my boyfriends been away for. and im still not gonna see him until tuesday. and he hasnt rung me or anything. making me think hes having fun with some other girl to even bother to think of me. its the longest we've been out of contact and its horrible.

but hes gonna have a surprise when he comes back. im gonna be lush and skinny. then he'll never want to not ring me ever again.

also, i deleted everything my ex txted me and everything i sent him. im not being sucked in by him again and im not going to lose the boy that means the world to me. cuz my ex is so not worth it.

hope your guyss are doing well...your all my inspiration :)

xxxxxxxx

I Am Officially Digusting

Omg i am so fat.
i juust weighed and i am 110.
i feel so bad i wanna cry.
but i kinda knew this was coming. i havent been eating properly (ive been eating crisps and everything else that is fattening like chocolate) all because i miss my boyfriend. i know i shouldnt blame this thing on him being away but when hes here i seem more motivated. i WANT to go to the gym. i WANT to chuck out every chocolate bar thats in my fridge.
but when hes away my world falls apart an i jus wanna pig out.
so now ive decided. what the fuck. hes going to come home to a big fat whale and dump me. so why bother being upset that hes not here, cuz when he comes back its guna be a 1000 times worse as he'll dump me for being sucha fat bitch.
so im going for a run tomorrow. a serious one. im not gunna stop all day. im gunna do everything i need to do and not laze about being a fat fucker.

cuz honestly, im not worthy to call myself "pro-ana" cuz the way ive been acting lately, i might as well just call myself a "woman who cant say no to cooked dinners"or someone who says " i might not be so much to look at but im a real nice person on the inside." thats the last thing i wanna have to say. i want my pictures to speak for themselves.

i want everyone to think shes lost weight! or omg, shes got a awesome figure.
not god shes not as thin as she used to be...or wow shes been hitting mcdonalds big time.
cuz girls lets face it. no matter what people say FAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE.
FAT IS DISGUSTING AND SHOULD BE GOTTEN RID OF IMEDIATELY.

i really do wish i could do you girls proud. like actually lose weight. cuz right now no one can possibly find me inspiring. im so fat its hurting me.

i hope the next time i sign on i can say something thats good.
wish me luck. im going to need it to get rid of my fat.

xxxx

Hmmm

Hello peopless

i hadda a great time in town :)
i cheated on my boyfriend againnn tho... "/
for fucks sake like. the man was like 27 :O
he tried to take me outside for well you know but i said no.
im proud of that. i dunoo why drink makes me sucha slut.
i spent 35 pounds on drink...so you can guess that i was steaming.
i havent weighed yet. i havent had anything to eat today tho.

ive been texting my txt lately. nothing dirty or anything, but it made me realise something.
a few weeks ago if i was texting my ex, i would have been over the moon.
but now that my boyfriend has gone anyway and im texting my ex, i dont want him.
everytime my fone goes off im hoping its my boyfriend and when i see its my ex im gutted.
that really does show how much i love my boyfriend doesnt it. i hope he rings me soon i miss him so much.

also him being gone makes me just wanna do fuck all. when i got quite a lot to do. but also i dont wanna eat. so that good.

oh im really sorry guys. im so fucking boring aye.

hope your all goood
im off to watch briget jones

xxxxxxxxxxx

All Lonely On V Day

So he's gone! gone until a week next sunday night. aww i miss him already.

im going to town tonight with my girliess and getting absolutely hammered. :L
i no theres gonna be loads of cals involed so im fasting this morning until a hour before i go when i have a banana and some more fruit.
then ill go to the gym tomorrow morning

i weighed last night an i was 109 again! grrr its so annoying im not losing at all.
i will have to get serious but im finding it hard.

ive been cleanning all this morning. in my house and my dads.
for money lol.

and last i got chatting with my ex. we're still friends but we hadnt talked in a while. it was nice. an ther was some flirting there too "/
i dont no whether im getting feelings for him again. but then again i dont think i ever really got completely over him.
he asked me to pop down to this bar hes going to be in but im not.
i no none of my friends will want to and i dont wan them to think im getting feelings for him again. but i got his number now and hes got mine.
oh this whole thing could possibly get bad "/
as my current boyfriend hates him.
oh well.
we'll see what happens.

i hope your all good. good luck to those doing the spring challenge...im thinkin of doing my own sorta thing wen i go back to school, cuz i no im going to binge sometime in the week. out of loneiness. i can feel it.

love you alll

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bingee Bingee Binnnnnge

yes i binged. it was bad. i havent weighed. the scales seem so scary right now.

ive also been having extreme mood swings.
im like totally hyper/happy then im angry and feel like crying.
ive cried every night since monday.

my boyfriends parents play a huge part in the angry/sadness tho.
they are soooo fucking rude. they wont even speak to me. i say hello everytime i see them. they answer in quiet voices and seem like theyd rather not speak to me. they never make conversation so i always feel like shit. ive been seeing aaron for a year next month, and ive only had a conversation with his mother once. ONCE. his father seems more human, but hes never around. i honestly wish they would fuck up and stop thinking im not good enough for their precious son.
who, is blind to my relationship with his parents.
my mother always talks to him, for ages sometimes. so does my step dad.
grrr just grow up ini??!!

im going to fast tomorrow. my mothers away so she wont be pressuring me to eat. she keeps calling me too skinny and bordering skeleton. (I REALLY DO FUCKING WISH!!!!) but because theres no one in my house i might binge. ill do my coursework to take my mind of it.

quite a few of you want to see my hair...i'll get a pic up here soon :)

hope i can get more inspired than i feel now...cuz i feell preeeetty low.

lovee you skinnys

xxxxxxx

Absolutely Over The Moon

Hellllo everyone!

im so happy right now,
me and aaron have decided what we're getting eachother for valetines day.
hes getting me this gorgeous black dress, and im getting him a hoodie and some nice boxers :)

im so chuffed with the dress...i havent stopped smiling. i just hope he can give it to me in time to wear it on friday!! im going to town with all the single girls...as hes leaving me for austria.
woooooooohoooooooooooo im so amazingly happy.

anywaysss...today went rather well. i ate my carrots and lettuce for dinner but in geography my teacher brought mars bars in...(to do with glaciation...dun ask :S lol) and i had to eat it cuz all the girls know i love them...it was only a small one anyway
if only there was a bin near, i would have dun a little c&s.
but there wasnt. and everyone would have seen me anyway lol

hoping theres a difference in my weight since saturday. going to weigh in a bit...once ive done a few things.
also i started an english essay today. it hasnt been set as homework yet but i might just do some...to get it out of the way. sorry if i sound like a swat.

everyone seemed to like my hair today...one of my friends was chuffed that i dyed it..."come on, the other colour was like ginger she said ( no offense if theres anys gingers reading this)"
and i am really liking it too. might leave a picture but i ain sure.
wanna see it guyss? lol

hope your feeling as good as i am...cuz im def over the moon :)

lovee you all
stay skinny

xxxxxx

Omg Huge Bitch By Here :L

haallowww

today is my last day of being fat so after this...ill prob binge on jaffa cakes.

ive already eaten a mini tub of ben and jerrys cookie dough.
but i dun care.
tomorrow its changing forever!!
except for the cookie dough, ive only eaten a banana and my mug of green tea.

so i think im ok to binge.

ive cleanned all day today...didnt even get to watch the rugby match in full because i was being a proper cinderella.

then after that i full on gave myself a beauty therapy sesh. :) i fell super clean lol. not tha i ain normally. gor a bit of ocd in the clean department.

my stupid bitch of a friend just annoyed the hell outta me. lets call her...huw. :L
ill start at the beginning. we used to be really close...best friends forever!! blah blah blah.
then cuz my parents are friendly with hers we went on holiday together. about 4 times.

but last year i went on my own with them. no momma or daddio. and that hoilday turned out to be the worst one ive ever had thanks to huw. she was fine in the first week but the second, she just ignored me for no reason and left me out...basically made me want to run a 10000 miles home. i did cry secretly a few times becuz i was so fed up with her. so now, i dont really consider her a "close"friend and more of a slug.
and shes got like a secret life to. of a slut. she enjoys txtin her so called friends boyfriends and is the reason a lot of my friends are single right now. so yes. i dont like her. we still talk...but i reallly would rather talk to someone else. well anyway.
today i moved some of my friends (that i like way more) up in my top 16 on bebo.
then (cuz shes always on msn and bebo...doesnt seem to sleep just lives on her laptop) literally a second after i done it, she was msnin me..."how am i so low then?" "dun like me do you"
NO!!! i felt like saying. but i jus said i felt closer to the other girls. so that insant she moves me out right down to the bottom of hers. because shes so mature.
im not bothered that she moved me but come on. get a life. shes such an outcast i really do hate her.
lol

sorry for the bitchin. but sometimes you just gorra get it out.

this post is prob considerably long so ill go now. hope you guys are all doing well.

loveee you :)

xxxxxxxxxxx

Hadda Nice Night Tonight

Helllooo Loveliess

well i now own brown hair!
which went successfully for once. normally when i dye my hair something goes wrong...but thankfully not this time :)

i look quite different i do say. for the better?
i sure do hope so.
i reallly need to start putting the tan on, i do look quite pale lol
i just got on the scales and 109 still stares back at me. "/
but in all fairness i havent tried as hard as normal...due to being ill. but i no i say this every week, but this week is going to be different :)

i went bowling tonight with Aaron, his sister and her boyfriend.
it was very nice hadda a really good time. it was a nice change from being stuck inside shivering and sneezing.

oh yes before i forget...Maggie commented on the last post and asked if everyone knows i have ana.
well most people know ive had ana in the past but dont know ive still got it. they think im over it...so therefore im called the 'skinny/anorexic one' out of my friends. i act like i dont mind (because i dont want people thinkin i care) but its really annoying when im not losing and im still a fat fuck. so yes and no is the answer really lol

i hope your allll fab as usual...im off to read your blogs lol

love you all

xxxxxxxxxx

Holaa

Helllo my loveliess
i just realised that there are 27 people following this blog (wow thats loadsss)
so i'd like to say a huggeee thank you...
am i really suprised so many people find my life interesting.

anywayss i dunno about any of you, but sometimes i just feel like a change.
so tomorrow ive booked to have my hair dyed dark brown. ive only told my boyfriend.
so monday in school everyone will be like 'omg man! is that you' but i think i really need to shake things up a bit. i feel like im stuck in a rut.

so im also planning to go shopping for new make-up, tan + false nails so i don't look so boring.
i want people to look at me and be like wow.
i wanna be known as the 'super sexy skinny girl' not just 'anorexic girl'
cuz rite now, im known as Ana and thats pretty boring.

today i had a goodish day...
a ate porridge a muller light yoghurts and 2 90 special k bars...oooh and a tangerine.
unfortuntely my boyfriend forced a slice of pizza down me.
my mother keeps going on that im not going to get better if i dont start eating properly.
but to me, shes the one whos not eating properly
cooked breakfast twice in a row? please thats just disgusting!
she bought me new green tea today tho...so shes in my good books :)

also, i no this is really random but does anyone notice how most of the girls on my super sweet sixteen are totally in love with themselves even if their absoutely buzzin?
itss likee jeezz louise look in a mirror!!

sorry for that lol

hope your all well anywayss

lovee you

xxxxxxx

Periods + Boy Troubles

Still ill.
but to make matters worsee...its the unfortunate time of the month for me.
(well im quite happy i came on cuz i was starting to think i was pregnant...i havent had a period for AGESSS)

anyway im supposed to be having school tomorrow. but fuck it its a friday there's no point.

i'll just stay home, and get all my homework/coursework/everything else sorted.
soundss gooddd to me.

i didnt eat much today...
1 muller light yoghurt 86(i think) cals
and 2 90 cal special k bars. (ooooh i love em)

my big bro got into the raf today.
im really happy for him. but at the same time i no im going to miss him.
there's only one year (11 months really) between us and we've got the same sence of humour so we get on really well. so i guess im going to miss him more than i thought. "/

Aaron was doing my head in today.
going on and on and on and on about skiing.
an to piss me off further...
all these "plastic"girls are going that are a year younger than him
(FYI me an my group of friends are considered plastic, but please dont take that into account...im nothing like that...i just care about my appearance so therefore in my school, im considered plastic)
anywho...i no he's got a soft spot for a few of them even tho he wont admitt it.
so im on edge. i dont no what to do with myself. "/

hmmm. oh well im off to better my websitee...(if you ain looked at it yet, what wrong with you??!! lol)

lovee you all buttyss :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ill

Heey guyss

i wokee up about 12:15 today "/ (still no school + none tomorrow either!! hehe)
and my throat was really hurting.
but i went out anyway.
i walked over to the village where my boyfriend and most of my friends live (to enjoy the snow once again)
my feet where soaking cuz i wore uggs lol
but yesterday when i wore them, my feet were fine :S

anyway throughout the day my health deterioated and now im in bed with a terrible sore throat and headache :(

andd i also found out that my boyfriend is leaving on valetines day to go skiing with his school. :(
i was really hoping on havin a romantic meal (i was going to fast the week before so i could eat...) somewhere nice followed by sexual sex.
im so upset.

i hope he doesnt leave me for some austrian girl.

thankfully due to my ill health, my eating habbits have been great.
ive only had a bottle of fizzy water and some sugar free throat sweets.

hopppe your all feeling better than me.

stay skinnnnny

xxxxxxxxxxx

My Website

Havent Binged!
yet anywayss...im off out to enjoy the snow with my friends in a bit...

in my atempt not to binge i created a pro-ana site. look at it and sign the guestbook, if you please...ill be ever so greatful :)

http://underneaththeclothes.webs.com/

lovee you allllllll

xxxxxxxxxxx

Snow Day!

Its now 10:44 on a monday morning, and im not in science :)
yess its snowing and like a 4 year old im over the moon haha
its not even that heavy yet, but its supposed to get really bad (wwwoooop)
and i havent got any school tomorrow either.
unless gobal warming takes place over night.

id like to thank everyone who commented on my last post, your comments were lovely :)

im worried now tho that im going to binge today, as theres nothing really to stop me.
my boyfriend's school (as far as i no) is not closed so i cant go somewhere with him to take my mind off food.
he doesnt like to take his phone to school (werido)

i should really take this opportunity to finish my music compostition, but i cant be fucked.
ive only got like 13 or 14 weeks to my gcses.
grrrr. ill prob end up doing it. it will take my mind off binging i supposee...

andd my foot is still bad so i cant hop on the x trainner.

i dont think the school closing was such a good idea after all....

oh well.
ill prob leave another post after (either to say how proud of myself i am for not binging or to tell you how much shit i ate.)

muchh love my ana loveeliess :)

xxxxxxxxxxxx

No More Of This Shit

I knew it was going to happen eventually.
I was going too well for too long.
i binged and binged and binged.
i dont think ive ever binged so much. it lasted the whole day.
it was uncontrollable like some kind of disease.
this morning i weighed 109...no change to what i was.so tomorrow, im back. back to the determined person i was.
food is clogging up my mind. skinniness is taking over my thoughts and dreams.
i want it so bad and im willing to do anything to get there.
ive been watching loads of thinspirational things on youtube and bbc iplayer.
its given me tips and helped me so much. i recommend looking at them.

im dying to execise but ive hurt my ankle playing hockey on friday. im not sure what ive done to it, but i can hardly walk on it. i might have to go up the hospital. i hate hospitals.
i hate them. ill avoid going to one by all means.

im not going to binge again. (i no its unlikely but hey, im gonna do my best)





by the way, this is me. i thought id put some of me up, im a bit scared that someone will find them, but i doubt anyone ever will.

hope you guyss are all well.

im loving you all loadss

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Feeling Finee

Woww man, another good day.
ive finally got my willpower back.
the feeling is amazing.

ive been absolutely freezing all day which is a good sign.
i havent eaten anything all day in school.
and when i got home i had a salmon salad. and thats all im eating today

and last night i had a dream.

i was skinny. so skinny. about 95lbs and my english teacher (he's my fave teacher, absolutely nuts and just too funny, but he can also be serious, like he was in my dream) was trying to take me to a anorexia clinc in the city. he was also trying to make me eat.
id eat but just spew it back up.
very random, but i was quite happy that i was so skinny. it gave me motivation.

and now i feel like i got a head ache coming on.
:)

im so happy. i hope i can stay like this. keep losing.
i'll be perfect.


hope your all good my lovelies

xxxxxxxxx

woooop

Just a quick blog,
im off to the gym in a bit.

today has gone really well.
i intended on fasting for today, but as im off to the gym i ate spagetti on toast.
roughly 130 cals.
am i being silly or is bad to go to the gym when you havent eaten all day?

forr lunch i went up the villiage with 2 of the girls, who thankfully dont seem to notice what i buy. i bought water an sugar free gum.

i hope i can keep this up for the rest of the week.

stay skinny

xxxx


***UPDATE***

Had a fabulous work out in the gym, it was packed tho.
done about 40 mins on the x trainner, another 40 on the bike and about 20 on the rowing machine.
i say fabulous, but i could have done more. as i was with four of the girls, i had to leave eailer, otherwise i would have stayed.

when i came home, my mother asked if i was hungry. (i was a little bit, but ive began to love the empty feeling again so i didnt want to eat)
i knew she wouldnt rest until i ate, so i had toast and light garlic & herb philly.
(about 80 cals with the bread...i supposee)

i was watching a very thinspiration tv program eailer called supersized vs superskinny.
basically one very morbitly obease person had to swap their diet with a 6 stone woman.
the fat woman was disgusting. there were scenes of her in her underwear...which almost made me feel sick.
how could anyone let themselves get so digusting?

anywayyss i should be doing my maths homework which is due in 2moroo so ill leave it there for now. :)

hope your all good my lovely little anas :)

xxxxx

Good Day

Helllo my lovely people.

i donee well today, only really ate
a handful of grapes, cabbage
and a carrot.
and a 90cal special k bar.

im getting better, slowly but surely.

i also had parents evening today
too embarassing lol
& thankfully my weight wasn't brought up once! :)
my english teacher said i was the sharpest in the class :)

lol

ill quit my bragging now ;)

im intending on buyin a multi-vitamin in the week, ive ran out.
any suggestions on which brand to get?
i dont think mine is very good "/
not like i really no...i jus got the feeling.

hope your all well an kickin

love you
xxxx

Sorted

Thanks for the comments on yday's post
your all very supportive i gotta say :)

i woke up this morning feeling a bit worse for wear. but then Aaron came round unexpectedly at 10 am. very unlike him, as hes in love with his bed.
i answered the door cuz my mother was taking my step dad to the airport.
he gave me a bunch of flowers and said that he was really really sorry.
he said he didnt mean for it to come out like that an that he was gonna love me jus the way i am.
:)

i felt like i was bridget jones lol.

so we then endured pretty amazin make up sex which put me in a high happy mood all day.

i did mean to weigh myself but it sliped my mind...so ill update my weight blog tomorrow.
ive packed my lunch for tomorrow and this week im clamping down for sure.
i might even try a liquid fast...but its gunna be hard to do with my mother around. ill do it tho :)

can anyone recommend me any good foods to do on a liquid fast? cuz i only know soup. or is that the only one? lol
ive only done water ones in the past, but as i said with my mam its guna be hard.

love you guyss

xxxxx

Fuck.

Today has been an absolute nightmare.
actually no. worse than that.

it started off ok...i had a nice lie-in and whatever.
my parents were away for the day, so i asked my boyfriend to come down.
we watched american pie and then things heated up.

we did what your thinking, and when i was getting dressed back into my clothes...Aaron*(my bf) said that i was looking a lot more skinner than i used to.
(i am fucking fed up of this...fair enough if i was losing the pounds but i dont seem to be!)
he said that he doesnt like the fact that im geting smaller and says he wants me to put on some weight.
(LIKEEE FUCKK!)
so i told him no. im happy small and i dont wanna change. i also said that he should love me the way i am and not be telling to change.
he started getting a bit angrier saying i looked frail and he could see my bones and it turned him sick.
i really cant believe he said this. i started filling up and told him to fuck off. and if i made him feel sick he should just leave.
so after a bit of more shouting an shit...he left.

im so upset. i cant believe the boy that i love, who ive been going out with for a year told me i turn him sick.

hes tried to ring me quite a few times but i aint picking up.
ive never seriously argued with him before and im scared.
i dont wanna lose him. but im not gaining weight for anyone.

i love him so much.
but if i turn him sick maybe hes not worth my love.

so when he left i binged. then i made myself sick.
something i havent done for a very long time.
im such a wreck.

Lovin My Followers

Hiyaa Guyss.

Ive been better since my last post...even though ive found it hard.
which never normally is a problem for me.
ive got the determination, but its my parents/friends.
if i lived on my own, this thing would be simple. but everyones on my case, raising the eyebrow if i havent got food in my hand.

ive been reading a few of your blogss girls and i am offically addicted to them
Kat + Anna are ones i can think of off the top of my head
you guys inspire me loads.

im about to go bowling with my boyfriend and five of his friends ....god help me.
i know most of them but im meeting 1 or 2 for the 1st time tonight.
and no doubt ill be expected to eat a mcdonalds. :( i wont eat it tho. hellll no.

im absolutely dreading monday.
its parents evening.
i have to attend with my mother. (my parents are divorced and my father couldnt care less about me)
im a all round good pupil, im expected As and stuff but im worried about my biology/form tutor teacher metioning my weight loss to my mother. and my pe teachers have commented on it while ive been changing for the lesson. oh shit i hope they dont day anything.

well im off to put my slap on.

hope your all good.

lovee you
xxx

help!!

Grrrrr!!!!!!!!

Im soo freakkkin pissed.

i binged today. so much to knuckling down.
lunchtime i bought (brace yourselves)
a butter baguette, walkers crisps, skittles, a creme egg and non diet pepsi.
why?
i have no idea why i dun it. i lost all control.
i wont be surprised if im 120lbs tbh.

im sliding down and its really hard to get back up.
my willpower seems to be crumbling.
i really need to get a hold of myself. im pathetic.
its pissing down but im going to go running. i need to im not letting myself get fat again.
im not going to let it happen.

i hope my friend intends going to the gym again this week.
oh shit i cant go anyway. im double booked as it is.
i got a netball assesment afterschool and im going shopping with brooke.

i decided im not going to town...i value my relationship with my boyfriend too much. i dont wanna give him a reason to realise how horrible sluttish ugly fat and disgusting i am.

amazingly he hasnt noticed yet.

well im off to run, then homework then gcse revision then shower and bed.
my life is sooo cool!!!!!

hope your all doing better than me!!!
love you all

xxxx

"/

Hi people.

im sooooo tired. i dunno why either.

im in a bit of a predicament too.

today, i told my friend that i would go to town with her on friday. its a good excuse to buy a dress and i no ill have a laugh.
but when i told my boyfriend that i was going, he got all jealous and started making arrangements with his friends to go out an see this film that he fully well knows im dying to see.

so im stuck and i dont know what to do.
do i go to town or stick with my boyfriend?

i understand completely why he doesnt want me to go, and its because i cheated on him when i went before. but the boy was stunning, and i was absolutely steaming. (ive never been so drunk, i was even sick + i never normally throw up) so i bet hes feeling insecure and is worried that ill do it again, even tho he wont admit it. and the thing is, i cant promise it wont happen again.
"/

but i dont wanna let my friend down either.
grrrr i hate makin decisions like this.

anyway food wise i havent been doin my best.
i dont wanna weigh cuz i dont wanna let myself or you guys down.

sometimes i wish i could be someone else.

night night guyss

xxxxxx

happppppppy y'all

Well hello :)

i havent written for a while i dunno whats wrong with me lol

i weighed eailer and expected the worst. ive kinda binged this weekend and i was at least expecting 114lbs.
but amazingly im 109.
i dunno wats up with my body, but whatever it is, i like it!
but this week im knuckling down a notch.
my bedroom is finally finished, my new wardrobe is up so i can put my thinspo on the inside of the door. i put pictures of me an my family up today, so my thinspo will be up tomorrow. :)

i also read today in this little health book i got that exercising outside increases your sex drive.
so tomorrow i intend on going for a run :)

i cleaned my room today and it is shit hot.
i intend on getting a huge framed pic of kate moss on one of my walls. i lovee her. shes such an icon. (i would get a pic of a lush man like that boy off step up or something but my hubbie would get jealous lol)

well im off to sleep...stay strong buddies :)

xxxxx

Smiling

Wowww man.

im so happy. went to a gym not far from my house and started up a membership.
i went with my friend leia* who is a bit bigger than me (size 10-12) she seriously wants to lose weight and tone up.

so we bothh went and worked out like mad.
rowing machine, bike, x trainner, running machine, weights, sit ups and stuff with a medicine ball

feel so exhilarated. its a fabulous feeling. i havent worked out like that f0r ages. XD

i do feel slightly angry with myself tho, cuz when i was waiting for my mother to pick me up, i ate some shit :(
dont wanna go into it, i feel really bad about it. thats the 1st and last time thats happening tho!

aww it was lovely having my boyfriend there tho. :)
i was watchin him on the weights and he looked so lush. i wanted to run up to him then an there and snog his face off in front of a very busy gym.

lol

aww i really love him. hes sooooo lovely.

:)

anyway thank fxck tomoros a friday!!! i have gymnastics and i love them now
i used to hate them, but they've turned fab.
im turning into quite a gymnast, if i do say so myself


anywayss folks, hope your all great

lovee you

xxxx

A Bit Of Thinspo 4 Ya

Hiaa guys

ate a butter baguette and crisps for dinner. i want to give the impression to the girls that im trying to be healthy but failing miserably. so they'll leave me alone.
but i cant afford to do it everyday for the obvious reason.

felt good today in biology tho, we had a pop quiz and i knew all the answers cuz it was about diet and its effects on the body. i didnt even have to think about the answers so i was chuffed with that :)

im supposed to be going to the gym tomoro with a few people including my boyfriend.
lol thats gonna be interesting.
also Shane* my bf's friend who i once snogged absolutely ages ago (like i must have been 13) is going. i used to like him until he started spreading rummours that me and him have had a 'fling' he wishes is all i can say. yes i kissed him, but nothing else. i was 13! and drunk may i add.
he told everyone this about 3 months ago aswell. how pathetic.
i dont mean to sound big headed but i get the idea hes jealous and is atempting to split up my relationship. "/

anywayss...

heres some thinspo. :)

tyra banks. not the skinniest i admit, but beautiful nonetheless.

kendra wilkinson one of the girls of the playboy mansion. i really love that show and i think kendra is gorgeous. and very tonned

also there are some of my faves like nicole richie and kate moss.

love them both :)

hope you guys are all well

love you

xxxxx